But do you regret it?

I was sitting in my counselors office this past week, yes I went back to seeing my counselor because I felt like life was beginning to spiral out of control. I was telling her how I was so frustrated, overwhelmed and just downright pissed off that this is where I am in life right now. How I left a very secure job, one that I was pretty darn good at mind you, a little over a year ago to take a lesser paying flight attendant job. I moved to NYC and literally had two drawers and a top bunk bed to myself… on top of never having a clue about what my work schedule would be like. I kept going on and on about how hard this past year has been, how I am just mad that I feel like I am right back where I started…. And matter of fact a little behind where I was a year ago because I don’t even have my own freaking house anymore lol Mad that this whole pandemic just seems to keep going on and on and on and on… but you get the point. 

She listened, she let me vent and even made sure I knew that my feelings were valid, that there had been a lot of change but that it felt like all for what, to be right back where I started but now just with no job at all. 

After I was finished she looked at me and asked “do you regret leaving your teaching job and starting this new adventure?” and without a second of hesitation and replied “hell no”. 

I have thought a lot about that since our last counseling session. How I was so focused on all of the things that I think are not going right. All of the things that I am oh so very frustrated with. All of the ways I feel like I have been left behind, given the short end of the stick, and stuck to struggle through over and over again. And to be super real with ya, I still tend to lean towards the glass half empty these days… sort of in a limbo of sorts and not really sure which direction to head next. 

But even with what feels like EVERYTHING in life these days being so hard,  or not looking anything like I want it to or think it should, I still don’t regret it.

I don’t regret leaving my teaching job, I don’t regret taking a leap of faith a year ago to end up pretty much jobless a year later. I don’t regret it because the opposite of that would have been to stay in the shallow end, the comfortable end where I can stand really easily with my head way above the water. And right now, I feel like I am WAY over my head out in the deep end of this wave pool called my life haha. 

Over this past year I have learned to do a lot of things on my own, I have seen God provide in so many ways… mind you, never how I expected or wanted him to but he provided and for that I can look back and say I am so very grateful! I have been stretched a lot, challenged in my beliefs, a lot, learned my desperate need for community and learned that being known isn’t such a bad thing after all. I even have  re-launched a business and started a completely new one since I have been out of work. 

And yet,  I still have NO clue what the next step is… but ya know, I think that is really more what it looks like to trust God. Even as I write that last sentence with tears running down my face I am apprehensive that God will always come through. I am not good at trusting the unknown but he knows that, that is nothing new to him. Even in what feels like a constant state of unknowns that this past year has been I still don’t regret it… living in what feels like a constant state of being out of control means that I am growing and if that is what it takes then I guess I am learning to be sort of okay with that.