A sense of peace

I am still working, I am on a plane with people. People who are scared, people who seem to careless, coworkers who are worried about their jobs and livelihoods. Things are just so strange, like what in the world is going on. A few weeks ago I was on a layover in Ft. Myers and everything was just starting to change, I could sense the panic and tension in my coworkers and my passengers  and I could feel it in myself too. That morning in my hotel room I was journalling and praying on how I could love my coworkers well and I really felt like my job in all of this was to be a sense of peace, to be a voice of reason and a bit of calm in the midst of all of this craziness. 

Over the last few years I have really struggled with anxiety and if I look back historically I should be a complete mess right now, sometimes I can feel it coming on and other times out of nowhere I am almost in a complete panic attack with no real warning. I have gotten a lot better at knowing the warning signs, of knowing my triggers… like writing this right here. I want to be able to share my journey, to bring hope to someone else so that they know they are not alone in all of this but here I am sitting on a plane finishing up a trip for work deadheading back to NYC (deadheading is when flight attendants and pilots ride as passengers on a flight but it is part of our work day) and I just had to stop in the middle of writing this and put my computer away because I could feel my breathing begin to get deeper and slower, my hands getting really fidgety and my mind beginning to spiral. I haven’t always recognized those indicators but I am slowly beginning to be more aware. I know being anxious is nothing to be ashamed of but for me it is a massive reminder that I am not in control and most of my anxiety comes on when I feel like I am completely out of control. To someone who has never experienced a panic attack or just being really anxious that might sound silly, and believe me when I think about it it is silly. I know that in all reality I am not in control of a whole lot and I have to remind myself to control the things that I can and let go of those that I can’t… you know when you feel something slipping away and you just grasp at anything to try and get it back, I think that is what I do subconsciously without even realizing it most of the time to try and regain any sense of control.  My mind and body just starts trying to grasp at anything to bring some sense of control back. And you know what, right now there are a WHOLE lot of things out of my control and it is overwhelming for sure! 

BUT….I know in my heart and my head that my God is in control even when we don’t see it. Even when we think there is just absolutely no way that he could be, that how on earth could God be good in the midst of all of this. Can I tell you, I have been there. I have seriously doubted the goodness of God, I have asked and begged him to show up, to make a way when I could literally see no way out. And you know what, looking back now I see he did make a way. I sure as hell didn’t see it then though! He made a way that looked way different than what I thought it would look like. He provided people when I needed them most, he provided protection when I needed safety, he provided a shoulder to cry on when I just couldn't stop crying. He provided courage beyond anything that I could muster up on my own, he provided peace that could only come from him. And you know, God will provide even now! It probably won't look anything like we think it should, it probably will be far different, it will probably stretch our faith a whole lot more than we are comfortable with but he will provide because he promised he will and my God doesn’t break his promises. In Psalms 27:13 it says “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living”. I am choosing to believe that I will see the goodness of God in the land of the living, I will see the goodness of God healing those around me, providing for those around me, saving those around me. 

Maybe today you are afraid just like me, maybe today you are worried that you will lose your job just like me, maybe today you are overwhelmed with all of the changes and unknowns just like me. I want you to know that you are not alone. I have learned that in my anxiousness to know the triggers but I also have learned some other practical things to help bring me back… to reach out and let people in and tell them what is going on, to move… like to literally move my body, go to another room, go for a walk or a run, but to not just sit still…to MOVE!!! To count my breathing, breathing in for 7 seconds, holding it for 7 and breathing out for 7 seconds until I can feel my heart rate slow down and my breathing going back to normal and sometimes that is a lot of rounds of counting to 7!!! lol To literally start listing out loud all of the things that I am grateful for, it takes my mind off of whatever else I am thinking and feeling. 

You are not alone in this, this is all really scary and it is okay to feel what you are feeling, but friend what I want you to know is that you don’t have to stay there. I am writing this as much for my own encouragement as I am for everyone else. I am not an expert, I don’t do it right the majority of the time but I do know that God is not gonna leave me hanging. He will provide. So today take some time to pray, take some time to be grateful for all that he has blessed you with, and ask him to increase your faith to believe that you will see the goodness of God in the land of the living! And maybe your job is like mine, to be a sense of peace to all of those you come in contact with today!