Expectation vs Reality

Its cold, it's raining… like the misting rain that you can’t really use an umbrella for and I am living in a two bedroom apartment with 8 other women and I am the lucky winner of the top bunk. Ya’ll I can’t make this stuff up, its just plain comical lol. When I thought about taking this job as a flight attendant, never in my wildest imagination did I picture this is how it would be. Let me tell you, expectations versus reality are real!! At 34 I made the choice to leave the comforts of my job, a job that I really felt like at one point I was making a difference at and really enjoyed but had come to feel complacent and almost dreaded going to everyday. I left a super cute condo that I rented, I furnished and I made feel like home. I left the comforts of my hometown full of people that I know and love and that know and love me. So much change, so much expectation… I remember sitting with my counselor at the beginning of this year and telling her I feel like change is coming, like something big is coming and I don’t know what it is but I just feel it. Later in the spring when I told her I made the decision to leave my teaching job to become a flight attendant we talked about all the changes that would take place, we talked about how hard it would be… and my know it all self said, “yeah I know it will be hard but it will be okay”. If only I knew then what I know now, if only I knew how hard this all would really be, how difficult, how many changes, how many days and nights spent alone, how hard it is to build and find community. People keep saying “girl, you’re doing it” but let me tell you… this has been hard, like really hard. 

There have been many days where I just feel completely defeated and I think to myself what the hell am I doing. New York City is supposed to be this magical place where people dream of living, actually it was a dream of mine too but maybe sometimes God lets you go through things to realize what you don’t want or what you don’t like. I don’t know… my constant prayer through all of this is Jesus guide me, show me where you want me to be, what do you want to teach me. And I still haven’t a clue what that is….

Life over the past few years has been just plain hard, it's been full of terrifying moments, heartbreaking moments, life altering moments and tons of lessons. It's been full of learning about myself, of who I really am… of facing fear head on and moving forward when a lot of time all I wanted to do was stay at home on the couch.  I used to tell my students all the time nothing that's really worth it comes easy… but in all honesty do we really want to go through the hard stuff to get to the really great stuff. I don’t know about you but so many times I just wish things were easier, that life wouldn’t be so hard all of the time. 

And then God reminds me that he never promised life would be easy, matter of fact he said there would be trials in this world. These days I am finding encouragement and strength in knowing that in my weakness he is strong. That it is not my job to figure everything out it is just my job to trust him and take the next step. That’s not easy… like really not easy but my hope rests in the fact that Jesus is in control, not me… and I am so glad for that! Although, I really like it deep down I know life won't always be this hard, it won't always be so far out of my comfort zone and that this is just a season and seasons change. They change slowly but they do change. 

So friends, I don’t know what tough stuff you are going through, I don’t know what curveball life has thrown your way, what unmet expectations or what feels like complete devastation you have in your life right now but I want you to know that it is okay for life to just be sucky sometimes. It doesn’t have to be sunshine and roses all the time. But I also want  you to know that whatever you are going through is just a season, it won't always be this way and I don’t know about you but I find great hope in that.